not completely.... but certain rolls lumps n bumps r gonna go this year !! mark my words !
i just made a promise to my skinny minny mate that next new years eve i will be ME again !! and if im not ME by then, then she can kick my ass.... or any other punishment she sees fit !!
so this bloody journey to find me seems never ending.
life has been so stressful. theres been police n everything !! but its a reeeaalll long story so i really wont go into it. all you have to know is that now i am a single mum, with my 2 gorgeous kiddies. harryj (2) and ella-may (4months).
im positive for the future. im a good mummy. infact im a great mummy !! theres just afew changes that need to be made.
i need to move house. coz with 2 babies and a dog, a first floor flat just aint workin out for me on my own.
and
i wanna be me again. i used to be the most confident person u cud ever meet. and my confidence really worked for me. i got good jobs, i made friends really easily, i went out and i felt fantastic. i was so positive. no challenge i couldnt beat. nothing i couldnt do, infact i could do it better than most !
how different am i now. nowadays i dont even wanna leave the house!
did i mention the batteries had ran out on my scale?
well.... i bought some more... not that i wanted to see the numbers. i was really scared i would be near 17 stone mark as i keep goin up dress sizes and am currently a 20 !! which does not make me happy what so ever ! i was aroun 16 and a half just after havin ella-may but was happy to see the scales say 15s11. well not over the moon but it could have been worse. theyre nevr gunna say that again !! i promise you that !! x
i got a call today from jons brothers girlfriend... she said she would like to get me a dressing gown n slipper for xmas and wanted to know what size to buy it in. i got her one for her birthday.. in an xlarge, she is curvy like me n u . she said she thought i was a 16 but jon mum told her im a 14.... well thats 2 compliments from 2 people i wouldnt expect to hear them from! that when i had to tell her i am infact a 20.. hmmmmm... so not a nice number. i wasnt even a 20 when i was pregnant.
things just seem to be going downhill....
theres alot going on in my head right now but i have quite abit of work to do too... but i will get round to sharing it with you all soon. im just not enjoying being me right now.
im borrowing my mums computer while her nets broken as mine is abit shit to be honest. i was looking through her pics and i came across of a few of me.... not too old. 3 years ago. not a lifetime away.
ok... so theyr not the ncest pics in the world. being mid speech and all... but look... i wish my hair was like that now.... i wish i was as happy as i was then. n i wished i looked like that.
i used to be so good at this whole blogging thing. i even did the diet thing not too badly. but then i lost it.
im very up n down lately. ive been to the docs for post natal depression. but im not even sure thats what it is. i think its just plain old depression. or is it just that i see things how they are..? and i know that things r pretty shitty.
not everythings shitty... i passed my drivin test n got a car. peugeot 206. nice little car. and ive been doing really well with my photography too. so im proud of myself there too.
but im strugglin with the simple things. just bein me is what i dont like. i love my babies n my puppy n my photography talents but i hate lookin at myself. i hate gettin dressed, gettin undressed... havin to leave the house is an awful experience. panic attacks n everything!
i did hav a nice evening out with one of my besties. we went to a club in town n i can truly say i had a great time. but lookinback at the pics i just look like a man in drag. i hate it.
everytime i see myself i feel sick. so disgusted with my reflection. its horrible. i spose i think that ppl see that too. i dnt wanna be the fat bird with the personality.
i dnt know what to do. so much has gone on that i cant go into, but ive felt so stressed n low n down n im not feeling much better.
i wish i could afford to do the lighter life diet... although i totally dnt agree with it. its like 500 cals a day n 4 litres of water n just 4 food packs all for the grand total of £60 odd a week !!!!! and for women its for like 14 weeks !!!!! you do the math ! god thats alot of money on a whole lot of nothing ! but god they get results. someone we know lost 9 stone and she looks amazing ! i want tthat transformation. although i know it wnt make things better. i just wanna be me again...
right now im like a fat old man n i hate it. i cant be me whileim trapped in this body. im gettin desperate.
ive had quite a hectic life lately. i wont go into it coz its not sympathy i need.
Im feeling pretty rubbish lately. Ive been struggling with... well... everything really.
1 good thing is i have some clients now for my photography, i did a boudoir style shoot for free for some friends and its really helped advertise my talents. But spendin 3 days staring at perfectly formed young ladies posing in their underwear doesnt quite have a positive effect on my confidence. sure im proud of myself, i took those great pics. but everyone comments on my pics because 1 of my friends has a baby... and she by far looks the best out of the girls i shot. even my photography gets me down... but thats a looonnnggg complicated story.
it annoys me when people say to me 'of course you need to lose weight, youve just had a baby'... i have quite a few friends with babies now and not 1 of them looks like me.
Im just fed up. The only part of my life im not hating right now is my babies. Their beautiful, but hard work. x
I dont wanna go out anymore. And its awful, i feel sorry for harry that i dnt take him anywhere... but i jst cant. ive never felt like such a mess my whole life. I dont know when things will get better. i try and i try and i fail everytime.
i went to the doctor about post natal depression but he said it wasnt his area, he prescribed me pills which i havnt taken yet....... because im still partially breast feeding. anyways, hes referred me to a health visitor, but its been a week and i havnt heard anything.
Im just fed up of everything being shit. im starting to feel like i deserve it.
if i could give up eating i would. id love to never have to buy food. infact most days id love to not wake up, but that dont happen either.
i just feel like im fightin a losing battle with everything. whats the point.
but please... i dont want sympathy, i just want support. i just wanna know ur there, listening. x
well its the 1st of september and here i am... its a new dawn its a new day and all that...
so the little baby girl is now the grand old age of 18 days ! and harry-j is somewhere around the 21 month mark.... and im here trying to lose the weight from both !!
after i had harry i joined EP at around 16 stone.... (224lbs) and managed to get down to 14stone 7lbs (203lbs) and then i couldnt figure out why my diet was going so great and i just wasnt losing any weight.
thats when we found out about the bubba girl! well shes here now and this morning my scale read 15 stone 7 lbs (217lbs)....
i cant believe i weigh so much. im back to the same problems and emotions i was experiencing after harry was born. i cant get dressed, i dont want to go out... all that rubbishness that would make any man cringe..... jon just doesnt get it..... he hates it when women on the telly moan about themselves, like on those chat shows in the morning... 'i hate myself, i dont want to leave the house' he just says that its their problem and if they wanna be slim then they should just go on a diet !
so here i am................
breakfast:-
tea with milk
apple
SO............... NEW DAWN... NEW DAY... NEW DIET.,... NEW DREAMS.....
lets kick some ass this time... seriously. coz im not the depressed type. i look much better slim and smiling that podgy n pissed off. x
I M B A C K !!
oh... one last thing.... my friend austin is on xfactor this yr... lets hope he goes far. he deserves it. x
is that the time... already ??!! sorry for nasty graphic sick dog content
what a morning...
dog decided she needing an extra early mornin poo... much earlier than shed usually go out so it was unavoidable !
so i cleaned it up n locked her in the kitchen for bein bad...
then she did another poo n ate it as she was obviously scared coz she'd been naughty... must have a bad belly... well... she HAS a bad belly... youll notice that in a minute...
then she jumped on my bed n threw up her shitty sick all over my white duvet... which then soaked thru to the matress...
the whole lot is now in the bin. thankgod i have a spare which is in better condition than the one thats been thrown away... id have been well annoyed if it was the uva one.
anyway !!
while im cleanin all this up
she then is sick in her basket
on the blankets
so i take the washin out the tumble dryer n put it on the airer
take the stuff out the washin machine n put it in the tumble dryer
put the blankets in the washin machine with a few things that got in her way on the bed
THEN my poorly dog decided to be sick in her now empty basket
which has holes in the base for 'air' i spose
so then i bleach the basket... lift it up and have to bleach under neath where its all seaped thru the holes.
then shes sick on the floor..................
jons finished work early as they have a jcb in the 'church' today and its filling the place with diesel fumes from the exhaust.... so he is currently over the field with the poorly dog hoping shes gettin it all out of her system...
so now its nearly lunchtime and i have spent all my time cleanin... i did run myself a bath hours ago... im about to put harry in it. so that he'l HOPEFULLY sleep so i can get ready, tidy up slightly and go to lakeside...
. she said she thought i was a 16 but jon mum told her im a 14.... well thats 2 compliments from 2 people i wouldnt expect to hear them from! that when i had to tell her i am infact a 20.. hmmmmm... so not a nice number. i wasnt even a 20 when i was pregnant.
